open post;; yeah why's it so fuckin' funny dickwad?

[hypochondrias]

text/call/action ; open to losers and cross-canon! ; drop a starter or send me a prompt! ; specify era/age if you please

Comments

text.

[dickwad]

hey eddie do you like my new shirt

( img attached )

bless

[hypochondrias]

Depends
Who's the wife that knows everything

[dickwad]

i will answer your question with a question and ask who you think the biggest smartass i know is

[hypochondrias]

Does this mean I have to get a matching shirt that just says "the wife"

[dickwad]

omg yes matching
eds that’s the best idea now you have to

[hypochondrias]

I'd say we have to trade shirts once in awhile but that'll lead people to believe you're smarter than me and I can't have that

[dickwad]

maybe the people have a point if you really think i'd fit into one of your shirts

[hypochondrias]

Okay but
I actually really want you to try

[dickwad]

if i had a shirt of yours with me i'd give you a sneak preview
unfortunately your closet is with you across the country
poor spaghetti
:(

[hypochondrias]

Can't believe you didn't make a closet joke
It was right there in front of you

[dickwad]

if i was a baby comedian maybe i would swing for that low hanging fruit
i like to think my sense of humor is a little more dignified
dick jokes are a step above gay jokes

you know what's actually right here in front of me
an empty bed

[hypochondrias]

Yeah I have to say I'm not a big fan of my bed anymore
Like I paid a lot of money for this mattress but it didn't come with this comedian pain in the ass I know so it's basically worthless now
I was cheated

[dickwad]

come bring you and your expensive mattress over here
we can break it in
wink wonk

[hypochondrias]

Yeah sure I'll mail my mattress cross country for a visit
Actually I'm already sure it's nicer than whatever you sleep on

[ and not one to let that last part go unnoticed: ]

So when can I see you next?
Asking for real

[dickwad]

i would resent that but i've had this mattress since i moved to la

i should put you in contact with my manager he knows my schedule better than me
but the answer is really whenever you want to come see your rich, barefoot and pregnant
i'll move stuff around to see you

[hypochondrias]

Did you really
Just
Say you were gonna put me in touch with your manager so I can see you
Am I just some fan to you AM I
And not apparently the father of your child

[dickwad]

yeah babe my people will call your people
i mean you can come when i have a show but then you'll have to watch my stand up
working when i could be smoochin? sucks
also why do you think you're not the dad you are breaking me and this baby's heart

[hypochondrias]

I don't HAVE to do anything
I can wait in the hotel lobby with an extra dry martini like a Greatest Generation bombshell
Just waiting for my man to return from war
Anyway it's a food baby you're not really pregnant and also I have to sign some papers my lawyer's sending me at the end of the week so maybe
You should come here first instead

[dickwad]

why are you in a hotel and not my house eddie
your fantasies are so weird

next week? or like
tomorrow

[hypochondrias]

In this scenario this is you as my war hero husband and me decidedly not going to your show and instead waiting for you in the lobby of our hotel
Moment's ruined though now that I explained it

Wait
Could you really come tomorrow?

[dickwad]

( he's not going to have a moment over eddie calling him Husband, he's not )

oops we'll get 'em next time

i mean yeah if there's a flight
would you want me to?

[hypochondrias]

Yeah I want you to
I really want you to

[dickwad]

miss me, eds?

[hypochondrias]

I can't stop thinking about you

[dickwad]

jsyk it’s illegal for you to say cute things when you’re not in kissing distance
im gonna have to fine you