open post;; yeah why's it so fuckin' funny dickwad?

[hypochondrias]

text/call/action ; open to losers and cross-canon! ; drop a starter or send me a prompt! ; specify era/age if you please

Comments

[trashmouthing]

lucky for both of us i'm on a reverse keto diet
spaghetti only till i die


also no
i've been told i'm bad at multitasking

[hypochondrias]

Jesus Christ thank god
I didn’t want to crush your dreams by saying I’m not sure how interested I would be in fucking anybody else

[trashmouthing]

i can barely even handle the idea of somebody else putting hands on you
if you'll recall i poured a beer all over the last guy who so much as seemed to be considering it

[ the bar fight incident™ ]

#normalboyfriendshit am i right fellas

[hypochondrias]

I didn’t wanna tell you at the time but he was probably more than just considering it
You looked kinda hot all banged up for my honor

[trashmouthing]

yeah he was a piece of sun-roasted shit

[ >:( ]

[hypochondrias]

God I’m so in love with you

[ because Eddie also seems to recall the heavy make out session in the aftermath of the incident... ]

So the answer to your original question was both
Never ever gonna have a threesome and I can’t imagine being with anyone else for the rest of my life

[trashmouthing]

how the fuck did i get so lucky
WHY ARE YOU STILL AT WORK

[hypochondrias]

I’m not sure myself
No one’s made it back and most of the office is still here
I’m gonna take off at like 4 if this is how the rest of my fucking day goes because I’m tired of missing you

[trashmouthing]

plus if you get home earlier i won't feel so bad asking you to look in on the car
oh shit
i just realized i could make jenny drive me tomorrow

[ jenny is steve's intern. richie, who does not really know what administrative interns are about because his own history of internships involved slaving for audio engineers, does not know what constitutes an appropriate ask from interns. to her credit, she has never brought him weed or coffee or "cool college kid drugs" even though he has definitely asked. ]

[hypochondrias]

Jenny like the intern?
I’m not sure if I should be offended or not that you don’t trust me to fix your car
I’m kidding it’s probably nothing mechanical and fun I could fix and we’ll just end up calling AAA tonight anyway
And then you can drive yourself

[trashmouthing]

it's not that i think you can't i just don't want you to have to do stuff other than let me spoon you or whatever

yeah you remember jenny? i don't remember when you might've met her
fun-sized
goes to ucla

[hypochondrias]

Wow I can’t believe what a presumptuous dick you are
What if I wanted to spoon YOU huh? Now what??
I haven’t met her but I email Steve probably more than you do remember

[ which is to say Eddie corresponds with the man 3-4 times a week, which isn’t much until one considers that Steve is Richie’s manager, not Eddie’s. ]

[trashmouthing]

you'll have to fight to unseat me as reigning big spoon champion

oh
great kid you'd like her a lot
she's doing the full year
might tag along for the winter mini-tour or some shit if she doesn't have to visit her folks

[hypochondrias]

Yeah I know
I’d say always being little spoon is gonna give me a complex but size complex is probably a pre-existing condition for me
Now you’ll have a whole new person whose entire purpose is to carry around a bottle of your favorite bourbon
Poor thing

[ aaaand eddie may or may not be typing an email to Steve right now... ]

[trashmouthing]

your fault for being painfully cute

that's not true she does loads of stuff! just not stuff that i have to give a shit about
she works for steve more than she works for me
and then someday she too will fly from the nest and become some other alcoholic douchebag's steve
or i dunno have a lucrative career in the biz
wow i need to keep better track of these kids

[hypochondrias]

If she works for Steve then why would she drive you around like a chauffeur
Yeah be nice to these kids who will be your future managers and who might not be as willing to deal with their client’s annoying fucking boyfriends

[trashmouthing]

because if the lunch meeting is confirmed and i don't make it somehow steve's gonna use my skin for a lampshade

he'd never murder you though
like yeah he thinks you're annoying but you're also his favorite person because you're my favorite person who keeps me on the straight and narrow and away from absinthe and cocaine

[ it's a joke. richie has not done cocaine in recent history. ]

[hypochondrias]

Only because absinthe is disgusting swill and cocaine is an expensive habit to maintain
Not that the bourbon is that much better
I’m sending Steve the nicest fucking gift for Christmas as an apology

[trashmouthing]

an apology for YOU maybe
i will never apologize

[hypochondrias]

Yes I meant for me you enormous prick

[trashmouthing]

you are what you eat pal

well he really liked the birthday gift so you're on the right track
that grill dad asshole

[hypochondrias]

It’s how I keep at least this one person from blocking my number and email addresses
Buying stuff straight guys like

[trashmouthing]

yeah he says you text at weird fucking times
i told him you wake up before dawn regularly because you're a lunatic

[hypochondrias]

I don’t wake up before dawn

[ yes he does. Sometimes. Occasionally. Certainly during daylight savings. ]

You know 6 isn’t that early right
For people with jobs or school
Do you know how many people in California have commutes over an hour and a half long
The number is astounding

[trashmouthing]

damn that sucks
they should've tried being funny