open post;; yeah why's it so fuckin' funny dickwad?

[hypochondrias]

text/call/action ; open to losers and cross-canon! ; drop a starter or send me a prompt! ; specify era/age if you please

Comments

[trashmouthing]

you'll have to fight to unseat me as reigning big spoon champion

oh
great kid you'd like her a lot
she's doing the full year
might tag along for the winter mini-tour or some shit if she doesn't have to visit her folks

[hypochondrias]

Yeah I know
I’d say always being little spoon is gonna give me a complex but size complex is probably a pre-existing condition for me
Now you’ll have a whole new person whose entire purpose is to carry around a bottle of your favorite bourbon
Poor thing

[ aaaand eddie may or may not be typing an email to Steve right now... ]

[trashmouthing]

your fault for being painfully cute

that's not true she does loads of stuff! just not stuff that i have to give a shit about
she works for steve more than she works for me
and then someday she too will fly from the nest and become some other alcoholic douchebag's steve
or i dunno have a lucrative career in the biz
wow i need to keep better track of these kids

[hypochondrias]

If she works for Steve then why would she drive you around like a chauffeur
Yeah be nice to these kids who will be your future managers and who might not be as willing to deal with their client’s annoying fucking boyfriends

[trashmouthing]

because if the lunch meeting is confirmed and i don't make it somehow steve's gonna use my skin for a lampshade

he'd never murder you though
like yeah he thinks you're annoying but you're also his favorite person because you're my favorite person who keeps me on the straight and narrow and away from absinthe and cocaine

[ it's a joke. richie has not done cocaine in recent history. ]

[hypochondrias]

Only because absinthe is disgusting swill and cocaine is an expensive habit to maintain
Not that the bourbon is that much better
I’m sending Steve the nicest fucking gift for Christmas as an apology

[trashmouthing]

an apology for YOU maybe
i will never apologize

[hypochondrias]

Yes I meant for me you enormous prick

[trashmouthing]

you are what you eat pal

well he really liked the birthday gift so you're on the right track
that grill dad asshole

[hypochondrias]

It’s how I keep at least this one person from blocking my number and email addresses
Buying stuff straight guys like

[trashmouthing]

yeah he says you text at weird fucking times
i told him you wake up before dawn regularly because you're a lunatic

[hypochondrias]

I don’t wake up before dawn

[ yes he does. Sometimes. Occasionally. Certainly during daylight savings. ]

You know 6 isn’t that early right
For people with jobs or school
Do you know how many people in California have commutes over an hour and a half long
The number is astounding

[trashmouthing]

damn that sucks
they should've tried being funny

[hypochondrias]

You’re like a five year old dude
Or a golden retriever
All you can think about is getting fed or whatever’s sitting right in front of you
Object permanence

[trashmouthing]

that is TOTALLY UNTRUE

[hypochondrias]

OH REALLY
I’m not hearing a defense

[trashmouthing]

all i think about is you
usually naked
the defense rests your honor

[hypochondrias]

The prosecution is in possession of a wealth of evidence to support this defense and cannot recommend charges be brought at this time

[trashmouthing]

thank god
i can't go back to jail

[hypochondrias]

I can’t believe you're gonna make me have to ignore the part where you constantly think of me naked and ask you instead about what you just said
Going BACK to jail??

[trashmouthing]

[ pause ]

i was gonna say i was kidding but actually

[hypochondrias]

If I ever have to bail you out of jail we’re using your money

[trashmouthing]

nah you won't have to
it was just an overnight
public intoxication was kind of my thing in my 20s

[hypochondrias]

I guess we all had our particular vices in our 20s
What was happening for you at the time?

[trashmouthing]

i don't remember a lot of the finer details seeing as i was pretty committed to the senseless slaughter of my own brain cells back then
after college i was working like a million weird av jobs and still trying to get in front of a mic every night
so i was just tired mostly
you know all this already though